Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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