i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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