How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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