dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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