did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
