This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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