I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
