I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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