who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
