He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
