You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
