I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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