i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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