That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
