3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
