There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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