just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
