I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
