I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
