No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
