420 ftw
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
