someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
