I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
