i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
