I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
