Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
