before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
