our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
