just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
