so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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