On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
