her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Randomize
