I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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