she woke up with a sticky ear
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
