Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
