U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
