I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
