just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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