I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
