DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
