i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
