His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
mondays should just be called national damage control day
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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