Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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