did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
