The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
