you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
