I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i think my tv is drunk
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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