I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
