life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
