Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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