I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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